What the Eff?

Okay, granted that I don't know very much about sports. But I've already attended four years of college at a public university, so I thought I understood what enrollment at the lushly-bankrolled, very private USC would mean. Instead I find that the nearest comparable public university...

A) Is in a cuter neighborhood
B) With much less crime
C) And a better location
D) Plus costs 1/4 what my tuition costs

and most galling of all...

E) Has a football team that kicks my football team up and down the field for four quarters.

(Right, four quarters? Two halves, that's soccer, right? Or maybe hockey. Anyway, it's definitely not innings, that much I know for--wait, what was I just saying? Oh, right...)

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I woke up yesterday enrolled at a school with a MORTAL LOCK on the #2 spot. When I went to bed, we'd had our ASSES HANDED TO US by a bunch of public school punks whose own administration has to periodically taser random students just to keep them in line.

Maybe if I were just a UW alum, this wouldn't bother me. But as I might have mentioned before, I married up. And if I've learned one thing from being legally bounded to a Yalie, it's that with massive tuition bills come certain bragging rights. Like, Meryl Streep went to school here, or the Vanderbilts built my dorm, or we invented the sloppy joe.

Meanwhile, $30K into a wildly-unnecessary graduate program, where are my bragging rights? In a crushed beer cup on the floor of the Rose Bowl, that's where.

What is even the POINT of having a hugely wealthy alumni base if we can't put that money to use bribing football players with SUVs, pumping them full of undetectable designer drugs and recruiting suspiciously agile 28 year olds? I ASK YOU!

By the way, some poor bastard furniture store owner is out a small pile of cash if he ends up honoring that "Everything you buy is free if UCLA wins!" promotion that got heavy radio play this week. My hope is that he covered his bets, literally, by putting down a tidy sum with his local bookie.