Getting Over It, Moving On

Wednesdays are insane for me, so I'm gonna go back to the big sack 'o old posts.

This topic is still a little raw, because it discusses the work of a man who just gave a certain School of Cinema-Television a certain $170 million endowment, and the only price he asked? Change the name to the School of Cinematic Arts. What word is missing in the new title? What word? Here's a hint: It's the word that represents the field I want to work in, and hopefully, make the kind of money that will allow me to make a few gifts of my own.

Oh, yeah, I'm bitter. First he took me for $9.25. Then he got to rewrite the words on my diploma. Fucker.

(I can just imagine the email I'm gonna get from the Dean if she stumbles upon this. C'est la vie.)

In all fairness, though, it must be admitted I have always had issues with badly written television and movies.

Yes, I said "badly written." Just "bad" is okay with me--I have always been very fond of the ancient and ramshackle Jennifer Connelly/David Bowie movie "Labyrinth", and not two weeks ago, watched Marlon Brando queen it up in "The Island of Dr. Moreau" with great pleasure. When everyone and everything about a movie broadcasts that they're only in it for the down payment on a summer house, I can rest easy in the knowledge that I'm in capable, if deeply silly, hands. On television, the entire "Star Trek" genre plays a similar role. Also "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King." But I digress.

What pushes me over the edge, however, is when certain people with certain words next to their names in the credits--words like "written by" or "executive producer"--make a concerted effort to do a good job, then at halftime decide to start stinking up the joint. That? That pisses me off.

So: Briefly, and only as the merest taste of what I think will probably be many years of bitching...

Things George Lucas Once Knew

1. Keep it personal. "Star Wars: A New Hope" begins with an establishing shot of a space battle and then cuts inside to two droids, trying to avoid getting blown to bits. C3PO observes that "Princess Leia won't get away this time." Why? Because he knows Princess Leia. Maybe 6 minutes later, Princess Leia is captured and brought to Darth Vader. The first words out of her mouth are "Lord Vader, only you could be so bold..." and Vader tells Leia "Don't act so surprised, your highness, you weren't on any mercy mission."

Note: THEY KNOW EACH OTHER! Maybe they don't send each other cards on Life Day, but clearly they know each other, at least by reputation.

Also: THEY ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

Before I forget: WE CAN TELL THEY BOTH HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT/NEED

By contrast, the primary villains in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" are members of the Trade Federation. The heroic Jedi go to meet with the Trade Federation and the members ... DITCH THE MEETING to hide in a darkened room. Way to really pursue your interests, guys. And while they're scurrying around, we miss out on the chance to learn about them from their conversation with the Jedi, including, oh, I dunno, THEIR NAMES? Or say, maybe, WHAT THEY WANT?

2. Your character has a life. See also: Wants. Again, "SW:ANH" gives us Princess Leia sneaking around the ship, trying to avoid capture. Also, being held captive. Also, it is implied, being tortured. When we meet Luke Skywalker, he's a farm boy, doing farm boy things. When we meet Obi-Wan, he's an old Jedi, doing old Jedi things. Han Solo, drinking and doing business in a scummy bar.

Meanwhile in the prequels, people mainly walk down hallways and have conversations. In "Revenge of the Sith," Anakin and Padme have upwards of five conversations where, at most, SHE IS BRUSHING HER HAIR! Padme is a senator, the same job her daughter will hold in 19 years or so, but one of them is trying to evade capture and the other demonstrates a Jackie Kennedy-like fondness for changing outfits ever four hours.

Sweet Christ! "West Wing" has 42 straight minutes of conversations about government policy every week that manages to make it perfectly clear that the characters have lives (or try to, anyway) outside of their jobs. If Padme's not going to try to negotiate peace or arrange aid to afflicted planets or draft a speech urging that the Chancellor step down, maybe she could go for some pre-natal care? Or sew some baby clothes? Or eat a snack! Or take a bath! I don't care, but get off that goddamned sofa!

I'm not picking on Padme--Anakin similarly seems to do nothing but go into rooms in order to have a conversation with the person he finds there. If he's so interested in the Sith, why not go to the Jedi library and browse the Dark Side section? Or do some training drills? Or mediate in an effort to clear his mind?

3. More Is Not Always Better. "SW: ANH" starts in outer space, moves between Tatooine and various star ships (Millennium Falcon, Death Star), touches down briefly at a rebel base, the goes back into outer space. Basically, the whole movie takes place on two planets and a couple space craft. "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" has three planets, one asteroid, the Millenium Falcon and whatever Darth Vader is flying around in. "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi": two planets, a rebel base and another Death Star.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? "SW:TPM" has Naboo, underwater Naboo, Tatooine, Coruscant, and three different space voyages. "SW:Attack of the Clones" introduces 3 new planets, plus we spend time on Coruscant, Tatooine and Naboo. "SW: Revenge of the Sith" features another 3 new planets (NOT counting the three or four places in the Jedi slaughter montage), 25 minutes on a space craft, and short visits to Alderaan, Tatooine and Naboo.

The prequels burn through characters at a similar rate, which is probably why nobody seems to know anybody else. We figure out who Darth Maul is, and he dies. We spend two hours trying to figure out who Count Dooku is, put it together, then he dies in the first 20 minutes of the next movie. And then General Grievous comes out of nowhere and we have to find it in ourselves to hate this guy, even though he's just shown up.

Think about General Grievous. Now, think about Darth Vader. Or Boba Fett. Or even Jabba the Hutt? It's just easier to hate someone we've seen act like an asshole. Everytime an established asshole gets killed off, it takes the audience time to work up a new head of steam.

Speaking of steam, I'm running a little low. But there's more where this came from, oh much more.