No, Not Yet

Still don't really have anything original to say. But here's another archived post from an old, now-defunct blog. All closed societies have their little rituals and phrases that they use to insulate themselves from outsiders. And the marriage of two writers is very much a closed society. Here, then is...

The Glossary of Kate and Michael

Agathe Brchnya – A fictional housekeeper, employed by an equally fictional director of horror films, circa 1930-1937. Originally from Srebnia, an obscure province of no affiliation, nestled in the foothills of the Ural Mountains. Superstitious, pessimistic, cranky, loyal to a fault. Not above poisoning romantic rivals with a tincture. Handy with a poultice. Appears, unprompted, in our apartment from time to time, to hold forth on topics of the day. Once performed CPR on a beloved, but deceased chicken.

Asshat – Noun. Variation: Assclown. Slow-witted individual who disagrees with me.

Awesome – Adjective. Meaning varies greatly, depending on context. Can mean, literally, the best thing I’ve seen or heard in years. Or, ironically, something of profound ickiness. The latter usage is particularly common in reference to accounts of hopelessly passive aggressive and/or dysfunctional behavior.

Beefcake – Term of endearment. Inspired by cat who bears more than a passing resemblance to one of Mark McGuire’s forearms. She’s twelve pounds of feline muscle and appears several times in Jose Conseco’s new book.

Dead People TV – Noun. Any of the several television shows I watch obsessively, specifically “This person is dead, but who killed them?” (Law & Order); “This person is dead, but how did they die?” (CSI); “This person has disappeared and if we don’t find them, they might die!” (Without a Trace); “This person died so long ago, no one has any idea what killed them!” (Cold Case.)

Fizzle - Not a part of Snoop Dogg talk, but a cat whose actual name begins with an F. And pretty much, that's the only part of the actual name represented in "Fizzle." We are hardcore nicknamers.

Fortress of Solitude – State of being. A necessary phrase in an apartment where the bathroom door does not lock. Signifies biological processes best conducted in private.

Housed – Verb. As in “You’ve been housed!” Inspired by television show “House.” Features include being misdiagnosed several times, going into seizure 15 minutes after the opening credits, being groused at by your painkiller-addicted doctor, having your attending physicians debate the sanity of said painkiller-addicted doctor outside your room.

Jackington - A young man, much beloved, who does not walk with a cane or wear a top hat. And yet we insist on calling him Jackington.

Knucklehead – Noun. Listener to or participant in Knucklehead Radio.

Knucklehead Radio – Noun. Testosterone-soaked sports radio, specifically featuring callers who use any pretext to discuss the playoff chances of their favorite teams. The most knucklehead-host on knucklehead radio is King Knucklehead, a title currently held by one Mike North, of Chicago, Il.

Lickenstein - Not a typo. Another nickname for a cat, with a proclivity for licking. As I said, we take our nicknaming seriously.

Nocturne of the Damned – Proper noun. One of Agathe’s first films. She played Smette, the housekeeper. Also a synonym of any bad experience.

A: The Unemployment Office was a living hell.

B: A Nocturne of the Damned?

A: You said it.

Rockstar – Noun, adjective. All-purpose term of praise/acclaim, typically used in circumstances of extraordinary sacrifice and achievement. “You made callbacks? You are such a rockstar!”

Satan's Nut Sack - Our kitchen garbage can, or more specifically, the stench it produces under certain circumstances. We've tried everything but setting fire to the fucker and the stink just keeps coming back.

Shiny – Noun. Alt: The Shiny. Anything new, over-designed, technologically sophisticated, costly and coming with an instruction book thicker than “Pride and Prejudice.” Also, a compulsion to obtain same.

A: Ooh, look! A Razr!

B: Fight the shiny, Kate! Fight it!

A: Must … have … shiny…must … have…

B: That’s it, we’re leaving.


Tennessee Tuxedo – Term of endearment. Inspired by cat who appears to wear tuxedo. Same cat also known as “Spotfoot” for reasons you can probably put together.

Twilight of the Shrew – Proper noun. Another film from Agathe’s resume. She played Frette, the housekeeper. I think you're probably seeing the pattern here.

Vengepoop – Noun/Verb. Signifies smelly declaration of displeasure on the part of a cat. Usually found a few inches from litter box, but bathroom rugs are also fair game. See also Tennessee Tuxedo, the primary committer of vengepoops.