A Brief Safety Video

Kate and MG stand in front of their front door.

MG: Hello! Welcome to Thanksgiving with Mike and Kate.

Kate: We realize you have a choice of venues for your Thanksgiving and we appreciate you spending this national holiday with us. As you might have heard, we whip up quite the spread!

MG: Not to mention the gravy!

(Both laugh.)

Kate: And that's why we've put together this brief safety video, to walk you through some important pointers, in the event of a gravy shortage.

(Kate and MG exchange a dark, knowing look, then covering, smile hugely at the camera.)

MG: Let's get started!

(MG opens the door, and we enter #403, festively decorated for Thanksgiving.)

MG: Now, first of all, remember that, in all likelihood, we won't run out of gravy. Kate's been at this for several years, and typically produces almost a gallon of rich, brown nectar for our enjoyment.

Kate: That's a lot of gravy!

MG: It sure is! But of course, we cannot predict the future. In the event that the roux goes lumpy or, say, one of the guests steals the gravy boat and barricades himself in the bathroom...

(MG trails off, barely restraining his anger. Kate pats his shoulder.)

Kate: You couldn't have known... (to camera) let's just say, with great gravy comes great responsibility. A responsibility to not chug two quarts of gravy in under forty seconds, and a responsibility to not leave potential gravy-chuggers alone with the gravy boat.

MG: Agreed. Well! In the event of a gravy shortage, we'd like to offer some pointers to help you through a potentially difficult time.

Kate: Most people go through five stages of gravy-shortage grief. First, denial.

MG: (demonstrates) C'mon, there must be more gravy! Did you check the kitchen? What about the roasting pan?

Kate: Then, anger.

MG: Who the fuck makes a cup and a half of gravy for eight people? That's just retarded.

Kate: Of course, bargaining.

MG: I'll give you $50 if you let me lick your plate.

Kate: Depression....

MG: Oh my God, I can't believe we're out of gravy.

Kate: And finally, acceptance.

MG: Hey, are you guys making turkey for Christmas?

Kate: And of course, we don't make turkey for Christmas, but rest assured, whatever we *do* make?

MG: There will be gravy!

(Both laugh.)

Kate: That just about wraps things up for us. If you enjoyed this video, please feel free to view our other short films, including "Don't Go In There!: Four Reasons to Avoid the Bathroom Where We Keep the Cats' Litter Boxes"...

MG: And "Satan's Nutsack: Ten Signs that the Kitchen Garbage Needs to Be Taken Out."