Maybe Two Hundred Lunch Room Monitors?

After yesterday's post, I realized that I'd omitted a rather significant perk of screenwriting. You have to ruin your characters lives, but at the same time, you get to think of all the ways they can bounce back.

That is good times, no matter how you slice it. Early on, my chief demonstration of "bouncing back" took the form of a scene in which my lady hero would pound the crap out of a heavy bag. I admit, I maybe went to the heavy bag well a few times too often. But remember that I was writing short scripts for student filmmakers at the time, and we didn't have a budget for fight coordinators, so if I wanted to convey badass-itude, a heavy bag was my best option.

Anyway, this aspect of screenwriting will often lead to you watching conflicts on the street or, ahem, on reality television, and pondering all the ways it could go down, what would be most cathartic for the audience, etc.

In the last couple years, the most reliable font of conflict has been, no, not the Iraq War, although that's a good guess. No, I was going to say these yahoos.

These unholy knuckleheads picketed my sister's college graduation from the University of Michigan a couple years ago. I knew just by looking at them they were are rare bunch of nutbars. But even I didn't anticipate this new brilliant streak of anti-social mania, which has lead to the picketing of military funerals and the like.

I don't know anyone, of any faith, that can listen to these sociopaths for two minutes and not feel the urge to do violence unto the good preachers. (Most documentary footage of the protests will include at least one shot of a SuperSize Mountain Dew careening off a poster or protester, and often much worse than that.)

And I sympathize with the father who took the church to court for picketing his son's funeral. He recently won an $11 million jury award, which he hoped would teach the church a lesson. Unfortunately, I doubt very much that the church will ever pay up -- and that's even if the verdict is overturned on appeal, which is highly likely.

All of this is a long way of saying, I think I might have a possible solution to the blight of this group and their protests. It's not easily executed, and ironically, it requires an even-more-compassionate-than-usual attitude towards one's fellow man. But it's legal, and if meticulously executed, I think it might just work.

In America, you cannot prohibit people from speaking their thoughts. Nor can you restrict their rights such that they are effectively prohibited. So it's not possible to cordon the church's protesters off, or otherwise block their access to an audience. Everyone, in this country, has a right to be heard.

So here's my proposal: Volunteer squads of listeners. No, seriously. The church -- all 90 to 150 members -- should be welcome to speak their mind anywhere they see fit. But there's no reason why bands of volunteer listeners, say 200 or 300 strong, can't show up at the same time ...

And listen.

If you've ever waded through the thick crowd of bystanders watching a street performer, you know that even 50 people can make it impossible to clearly see or hear what's going on. Imagine what a crowd of 100 could accomplish? Or 200?

And the beauty part is, the listeners don't have to do anything. In fact, it's better if they don't, for obvious legal reasons pertaining to freedom of speech. And also because it's obvious that this particular group lives for stirring up conflict and controversy.) Bottom line: it's not necessary to counter-protest or heckle the protesters. Just by their very presence, the listeners will effectively dampen and conceal the church protest.

Anyone who wants to hear or see what's going on would be more than welcome to push their way to the front of the crowd, but if you don't want to waste your time, you can walk on by with only the faintest idea what all the hubbub is about. And the church would have no legal recourse, since you can't legal bar someone from listening or watching -- especially when the whole point of a protest is to be heard and seen.

It could be a whole national trend, with "I'm listening" t-shirts, and Listener Societies, and a Listener of the Year award, for the person who listens to the most insane crap without saying or doing anything in retaliation.

Okay, so maybe you're wondering: Are there 200 people in the world, much less Topeka, with the patience and strength of will to listen to hours of hate without responding or retaliating?

Good question. Are there 200 therapists in Topeka? 200 grade school teachers? 200 emergency room nurses? 200 parents of willful three-year-olds?

If someone wanted to do this, I know the volunteers could be found. You might say, I have faith.